Neurotica.: Archive

A Letter to the Mouse in My House

Dear Mouse: I concede. I admit defeat. You may have the house. I cannott take your goddamn psychological warfare anymore. I don’t know what I did to deserve this. Was it the fact that I whistled the “Farmer and the Dell” when I laid those traps? I really did not mean anything by it— I just got carried away after I watched that marathon of The Wire. I should have known that you were...

Feb 21st

Watch

A new web series I’m making.

Jan 18th

An Open Letter to Donald Glover

Dear Donald, You don’t know me, but I know you. I want to take this opportunity to say that of every person I’ve ever looked up to, I think you’ve hurt me the most. You’re not different. You’re not unique. You just got lucky. It’s taken me until now to see that and it’s fucking heartbreaking. I first encountered you, like the rest of the world in...

Jan 3rd

1 note

Dec 27th

Seinfeld in 2011

“The Phone Message” George: I was going to call and leave an angry voicemail message on her machine because she hasn’t called me back, but she just texted me saying that she’s has been out of town. Whew, that would have been embarrassing. “The Movie” Elaine: Ugh George, you got in the wrong line for tickets? Now we have to go see Checkmate instead of Rochelle...

Dec 8th

Nov 14th

Oct 31st

Oct 25th

Oct 21st

An Opportunity

Good morning everyone and thank you for meeting me here. Before I begin, are any of you hungry? I tried the new Breakfast Croissandwich the other day and it really hits the spot. No takers? Any coffee? Maybe a Milky Way White Hot Chocolate? Alright, well I’ll just get some munchkins for the table, just in case. Now that we’re all settled in, I’d like to take a moment to thank all of you...

Oct 18th

Sep 27th

Aug 29th

Aug 12th

Aug 9th

Why Marc Maron Is Important To Me

In a lot of ways, this post is stupid. It doesn’t matter, though because the only person I know that checks this won’t think it is, so I’ll treat the rest of you like an imaginary therapist. I’ll call you Sigmund. I don’t know, Sigmund. It’s probably just because I hear him come through my headphones twice a week and he makes me laugh that I feel a particular bond to Maron (note that I called...

Aug 5th

Aug 4th

Aug 1st

Jul 29th

A Plea for Captain Ampa Wampa at the Oompa Loompa...

I trust that you will pardon me for being here. I do not wish to force my thoughts upon you, but I feel forced myself. Ampa Wampa was one of my best friends. We worked the milk line together for the last ten years. This past Wompday, he was banished from the factory by The Large Man and left as food for the Vermicious Knids. I am here to ask for one thing: change. Oompa Loompas have worked in this...

Jul 26th

Jul 25th

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named

Court Worker: Next. Tom Riddle: Hi I’d like to change my name. Court Worker: Do you have your R-543 form filled out? Tom Riddle: No, I didn’t know I needed to. Court Worker: Ugh. Okay. I guess we can do this manually. What is your name currently? Tom Riddle: Tom Marvolo Riddle Court Worker: Your name is just Tom? Not Thomas? Tom Riddle: Yes. Court Worker: Um… Alright. Desired Surname? Tom...

Jul 21st

Jul 19th

Herman Melville Goes To Heaven.

Angel: Mr. Melville welcome to heaven. Melville: Thanks, I guess. Angel: I have some fantastic news for you. Melville: Yes? Angel: Remember how during your lifetime, everything you wrote was considered garbage except for a brief moment where people kind of liked ‘Typee’? Melville: …Yes. Angel: Like, nobody really knew who you were and even those who were aware of your existence were totally...

Jul 14th

Jul 12th

I don't fucking care if you like it.

“Amy [Poehler] was in the middle of some such nonsense with Seth Myers across the table, and she did something vulgar as a joke. I can’t remember what it was exactly, except it was dirty and loud and ‘unladylike.’ Jimmy Fallon, who was arguably the star of the show at the time, turned to her and in a faux-squeamish voice said, ‘Stop that! It’s not cute! I don’t like it.’ Amy dropped what she...

Jul 7th

Signs that you are too old to go to your...

He shakes your hand when he walks in the room. You need to give consent before he gives you a vaccine. He sends his regards to your parents. You have already read the issue of the New Yorker in the waiting room. You seriously consider stealing a prescription pad. You’re seeing him about a golf injury. He asks where you work. The nurse measures your height and says, “same as last year.” You know...

Jul 7th

"Oh yeah... I loved that part."

When people ask me if I have read a book, I always say yes because I think it makes me sound smart. Really, I just sound like I don’t really pay attention to a book while I’m reading it and cannot intelligently form an opinion about it.

Jul 4th

Jul 3rd

Summer Job →

Jul 2nd

“It is about the real value of a real education, which has almost nothing to do...”

– You ought to know.

Jun 29th

Jun 28th

A Letter to My Sixteen Year Old Girlfriend Who Is...

Dear Genevève, I’m sorry I have been out of touch for so long. I have been very busy. I am now the captain of the Middle School Debate Team—I didn’t want to do it but they practically forced me to. But to be totally honest, anything that I might have written to you about my life would have seemed trivial in comparison with what you’re doing. I have gotten all of your postcards and they’re...

Jun 27th

This is a summer song.

Jun 23rd

American Expressing Concern

Dwayne “Lil’ Wayne” Carter 323 Collins Ave. Apt. PH1 Miami, Fla. 32031 Dear Mr. Carter, We here at American Express have been reviewing your bill have noticed some strange activity regarding your account. Please review the purchases below and authenticate them for us. Purchase Type 209 Diesel/Electric Attack Submarine —- Heaberlin Naval Manufacturers, Inc. —-$13,461,235.23...

Jun 22nd

Jun 21st

A Hypochondriac Imagines What His Doctor is...

Well that neck pain that he is experiencing is totally indicative of cancer or a brain tumor. I can’t believe nobody told him that if your neck kind of hurts a little bit sometimes that it is undoubtedly some form of cancer. He must not have very caring parents if they forgot to give him that important fact. Now what kind of cancer is it? I’ll have to look on WebMD. God, if only this kid had put...

Jun 20th