In a lot of ways, this post is stupid. It doesn’t matter, though because the only person I know that checks this won’t think it is, so I’ll treat the rest of you like an imaginary therapist. I’ll call you Sigmund.
I don’t know, Sigmund. It’s probably just because I hear him come through my headphones twice a week and he makes me laugh that I feel a particular bond to Maron (note that I called him Maron, showing that I know him on a personal level), but I need him. He is a reminder that there is no such thing as failing as long as you can live with yourself. Every day I think about whether or not I want to do this, if I really want to try to be in comedy when everybody in the world is basically screaming “Don’t do it you fucking moron! There is nothing there! You’re dilusional!” Maron has the ability to make me feel like that dilusion is a badge of honor. That I can turn around and tell everybody, “yeah I know I shouldn’t do this, but I have to.” That even though right now as I type this there are a hundred thousand kids that think they’re going to be in comedy. I still want it.
I wish I could just go to law school sometimes (talk about spoiled shit to say). It’s true, though. Right now, if I decided that I was going to be the best lawyer on the planet, I think I would be able to have a sense of security in that path— graduate, law school, clerkship, partner, retirement, death. I would probably be pretty happy and dismiss all this shit as youthful ignorance. But I do know that if I don’t try, if I don’t get on stage and try to do what I want to do, I will never be really happy. I might be able to convince myself I’m okay, but I’ll always watch television and think about what could have been.
Maron reminds me that it’s not going to be easy. That, in fact, it’s going to be really fucking hard. I will have to give up whatever relative comfort I have grown accustomed to and actually think for myself. But he also says that the process is the most liberating gift somebody can give you. He can’t live without doing comedy— that being honest and trying your best to do what you think is right with people you love is the only way to really live your life. It’s okay to be crazy.
Right now I’m still stuck in this mode where I kind of want everything to come easy, I want everything to just be handed to me one morning because I believe it should be. I might say I don’t, but I do. I have to stop. I have to work harder.
Anyways, Sigmund, I guess I’ll just say thanks for giving me Marc Maron. He will never read this, but that doesn’t matter. he knows he has helped. And although he has the second most popular podcast of all time, he is mine. Nobody can take my personal sage away from me and when other people talk about his show or him, they have no idea What The Fuck (ha!) they’re talking about.
Thank you, Maron. Thank you for listening, Sigmund. I know it will eventually be okay. These other kids don’t want it as bad as I do. Fuck them.